Okay so today I am at 168 (lost 9 pounds so far) on week 2.
What I Ate:
4 oz lean roast beef steak (fat removed): 180-200 calories.
Steak seasoning: 5 calories.
2 poached eggs: 140 calories.
1/2 cup cottage cheese: 100 calories.
1st Vanilla Coffee: 210 calories.
2 tbsp A1 Steak Sauce: 30 calories.
2nd Vanilla Coffee: 200 calories.
Total Calories Consumed: 865-885 calories.
Calories Burned:
30 minutes of walking in the pasture: 130-160 calories burned.
1 hour of exercising in the pool: 400-500 calories burned.
Total Calories Burned: 530-660 calories.
Final Calorie Breakdown:
Total Calories Consumed: 865-885 calories.
Total Calories Burned: 530-660 calories.
Net Calorie Intake:
865 - 530 = 335 calories
"The Ex"
So after I had my baby, my mom had come home and said (she worked at circle k) that she ran into my ex bf, that I had in 6th grade. We did everything together, but he was such a big man to my size I was a little scared of him too. Well when I was younger my mom would let him stay the night every now and then. He would rub her back without a shirt on, but insist she covered everything and only layed on her stomach. I thought it was a little strange, but I got used to it after awhile. (Keep in mind he would come in before I went to sleep and kiss me on the forehead) My mom would sometimes send us to bed early and tell us do not get up so we didn't. (my sister and I) I would always wake up the next day and he would be laying in the living room floor. We then would do our paper routes together, I would go with him on his route then he would go with me on mine. Some where in that time I broke up with him, because he just scared me, his size. He was 6'1 (or so) and around 250 pounds. I weighted 102 soaking wet, and was only 5'2. (it was a huge difference.) So...
He would still come over and stay the night sometimes, but he started dating another girl, and I was okay with that, it bothered me a little, but I was stuck because there was fear I felt about him I didn't know why I was feeling. The we moved across town, but he came over a few times, but not like before. One night, he had asked my mom if I could baby sit with him, (I was just starting 7th grade by this time, and it was supposed to overnight. My mom of course said yes, and that night we went to where we were supposed to babysit, and the owners of the house had a HUGE bowl of pot and told him we could smoke as much as we wanted. I did a little at first, but he kept telling me to smoke more, by the end of the night I seriously thought I could fly, and it terrified me. My mom had always gotten us high from the time I was in 5th grade on, but that was the most I had ever smoked.
Well we went to lay down where we were going to sleep, and I fell asleep, I woke up a few hours later with him touching me, and trying to penetrate with his fingers. I jumped up, and went into the bathroom almost throwing up. He asked me if I was okay and I was like no I'm not. So I went home in the morning, and felt disgusted, and betrayed. I mean at that point he was my best friend (or so I thought.) After that night I never saw him again. He just stopped coming over. I thought it was because he knew how upset I was, but that wasn't anywhere near the reason. While all this is going on, I was in a new school, and it felt nice that know that no one there had known I was raped or tortured me over it. For the first time in my life, I felt safe. I had a small group of friends that I hung out with everyday at lunch. Well one day, my "uncle Joe" was going to pick me up, from school. He wasn't really my uncle, but my sister and I both called him that. We went swimming a lot at his pool over the summer before school had even started, but this time, we were driving, he had stopped at the military commissary and bought me a carton of cigarettes. I seemed to be his favorite and it was nice feeling like someone really cared about me, but this day would turn out to be totally different. He asked me if on the way home, he could put his hand on my thigh, saying he would never hurt me, but he wanted to feel closer to me. I told him no because I was scared to death. This was a guy in his 60's with a disabled wife at home. I had no idea what to think and I was completely confused by it all. I came home and told my mom what had happened, but she stated oh he was probably drinking to much and you took it wrong. Umm okay, we'll go with that, except one small problem, he did this every time he picked me up from school. Until he told me unless you do it, I will stop picking you up from school, no more cigarettes or anything. At this time he was also teaching me how to drive. Well I broke down after awhile and thought okay it's just his hand on my leg. but it didn't stop there, and the demands got higher and higher. I again went to my mother. She gave me the same excuse she had before He was drunk and your just taking it wrong. At one point he paid my mom 20 dollars to "take" me driving. My mom was like just go it will be fine. Well this went on for half the year (maybe a little longer.) but one day out of the blue, I was in 7th period P.E. and got a phone call at the office, it was my mom and she wanted to talk to me. She told me not to ride home with "uncle Joe" that day and she would be picking me up. I was completely confused, but told her okay. She picked me up, told me she knew about everything that had happened, (which I was like duh, I told you what was going on) and she drove me straight to my step dad's, but he had raised me since I was 2 so to me he was "dad." I walked into the kitchen, and he goes I know what's been going on why the hell did you keep accepting rides from him! with his finger in my face. I was scared, because I felt like any minute my dad was going to knock me to the floor.
I wanted so badly to scream out, because mom kept taking money and making me go, but I didn't, I just felt betrayed by everyone. My dad being the smart one he was, told him to come to the house, and asked me directly in front of him what happened. I could barely get the words out of my mouth "he touches me." My dad gave him a choice to go to AAA or he would throw him in jail and let his wife know why. At this time in my life, I felt betrayed, alone, and couldn't figure out how AAA was going to do anything. I was humiliated and at this point I lost trust in anyone. I had been molested by one of his friends, and a few others before this even happened. So on top of the rape, I just felt lost and alone, betrayed and confused! I started cutting, I was in my room one day, and I took a broken piece of glass and opened my arm, the pain I felt was nothing compared to what I felt inside, but I went to my mom and showed her she made me promise I wouldn't do it again and put a bandaid on it. I probably needed a 2 to 3 stitches, but mom never took us to drs, and we had to be literally almost dying before she would take us to an E.R. My mom and sister got into fist fights all the time that would terrify me, so I knew I'd better do what I was told so I didn't get hit, but I was used to that by then. All the molesting had stopped but the scars were still there. She took most of her anger out on my sister if not all of it. At this time, we moved to another house, and another school. Where my last school was 5 to 10 miles away, this one was just over the canal bank (about 3 to 5 minutes) My mom moved every 3 or so months so we were always moved around from house to house. I went for the first week, but still felt very isolated. So I went to the nurse told her I was sick and needed to go home. She told me "no, that I wasn't running a fever and to go back to class."
I think that was the first time, I ever disobeyed an adult, but I walked right off school grounds and went home. I called my mom and told her, and she said okay just stay on the couch and watch tv, but this started me on the wrong path bigtime. (as if I wasn't already headed there.) I started ditching school. (My mom was a highschool teacher) and still never figured it out. In my eighth grade I was there 47 days out of the entire school year. Which meant summer school. I went everyday and made it to the 9th grade (barely.) At that point I was hard to handle and way out of control, I think I was self harming without realising it. but when you are holding in that much anger, resentment, and pain how else do you release it. or so I thought at the time. I ran away from home at least 30 times that year and ended up in a girls home. 2 weeks it was supposed to be, but that night I was so dehydrated from being on the streets they had to call the paramedics to pick me up because I couldn't stop vomiting, we were in the process of moving yet again to a 1 bedroom apt. from a 3 bedroom. They put me on a I.V that night and later sent me home. I had a boyfriend at that time, that I had met at one of my dad's AAA dances. (I guess he thought AAA would help me too, although I never drank. We add a 3 bedroom house packed into a 1 bedroom apt. There were boxes everywhere! My mom got a daybed and slept in the living room, she gave me the bedroom, but it was covered in packed boxes that filled the entire room to the celling. I could barely get to my bed. I started sneaking out at night just hanging around the apt complex. My friend and I once went over the fence in the pool area after hours and the security guard caught us, but when I went home that night to "sneak back in." my sister and this woman that was dating one of my step brothers was walking up to the door. I begged them not to tell my mom, but she did anyways.
My mom called the police on me, and I went downtown to some office that was open for juveniles, filled out paperwork and why I was doing what I was doing. (no one listened) that night, my brothers gf, as they were bringing me to the car I sat in the back seat, she leaned through the window and started beating the crap out of me, my mom was yelling for her to stop but she didn't and my mom did nothing more to stop her. I need to make clear, I barely knew this woman (she was in her 30's) and I was 15. She told me she would "get me" when I got back to the house, and I told my mom if she touched me I would call 911 I had the phone in my hand when she walked into our apartment. This woman grabbed me by the hair and threw me from the front door into my bedroom door. I got 91 into the phone. The police called back and asked if we meant to call 911, and his gf answered our phone and said no it was a mistake. I was screaming in the background please help me over and over. no one ever came. My mom finally got her off me, and out of the house, and she asked me if she could "talk" to me. I kept telling her no I was terrified of her. She said she wouldn't hit me only talk. My mom kept saying just talk to her. like what the hell, this woman just tried to beat the hell out of me. So it was just me and her in the apartment my mom and sister waited outside. I let her tell me how I was hurting everyone around me, and how I needed to "straight up" and that the reason she attacked me was that I had called her a b**** . I said I don't even know you why would I call you that! I felt like the whole world was against me and there was nothing I could do about it.
There was no supervision, and it was me taking care of my mom and all of her craziness.
More later...
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