My starting weight is 174
Height 5'2
Age 52
A week ago I went to the dr, and they were doing test because I was a "new patient." They were worried because my breathing is really bad. (which is why I don't do more videos) but that is fixing to change. However my lung test came back okay, but I was called to do another test for my heart. It showed blockage. When that test was over, I was told that very same day, that I had heart disease. Plus I am borderline diabetic. It was a hard reality check. Over the last week I have learned everything is okay in moderation, but also that I didn't need a 1/4 cup of butter in all my recipes. I will continue to use my recipes on my "free day" because I am going to have 1 day a week where I don't have to calorie count or try and figure out what's healthy but still taste good. Right now, I am in the process of canning 20 pint size jars of cabbage stew. (I will put up the recipe when it's done.) I started walking in our pasture, 45 minutes a day. (minimum 30 minutes) but I like to keep it at 45 minutes most days. Instead of looking at it as "exercise" I am looking at it as quality time spent with my husband. We have been married 33 years. So let me start by stating why I am so committed to doing this now. My mom passed away over 10 years ago on Father's day at 61 years old. I was the one that found her. I was devastated, although I am not really sure why. My mom was neglectful and harmful when I was a child, To both my body and my mind.
When I was a kid, she worked 2 jobs, she bought groceries for "her." and we were limited to what we could eat and couldn't. As I got into my teens, I would go days without eating. I went a lot of days not having lunch tickets, lunch money etc. so I didn't even really eat at school. I weighed a whopping 102 pounds at 15. In 8th grade, the school nurse called my mother and told her I was anorexic and needed to be checked by a dr. (In those days no one followed up and cps was non existent.) I remember being so hungry once, my mom had planted some corn (just corn nothing else) in our backyard, and at this time it was almost ready. I went into our backyard. and grabbed a ear of corn cut it in half and washed it. The only thing we had in the refrigerator was condiments and a tub of butter, and there wasn't much of that. I put a pan on the stove, put a LOT of butter in it and fried that corn. (it was the best thing I had ever ate.
Once in the 6th grade I made meatloaf, with nothing more than hamburger, eggs and tomato sauce salt and pepper. Yep that was dinner for the night. My mom raved about it, but to me it had the consistency of cat food. It tasted okay due to salt and pepper, but the consistency was way off. Anyways, I was also raped in the 5th grade, and my life spiraled from there. I used food as a "something I could control." but was it really? I just didn't eat. They put my rapist in juvenile hall for 6 months, when he got out, he made the entire school make fun of me, saying I wanted it, but then changed my mind. He was a very popular kid in school. He also said things that humiliated me, others followed. yelling your hurting me stop... (yep kids can be the cruelest.) I needed to add the rape was at knife point, while my mom slept in her room. If you are wondering why I am putting all this first before my journey, because there is reasons, and a lot of them, that I hoard food now. This all started and followed me into high school. I was torchered so badly in school I eventually dropped out. I was bipolar but back then no one even knew what that was, I was just "different." and I knew it. (So did everyone else.) I also had a severe social disorder. I still do to some degree. So this is a huge step for me. (putting it all out there, and hoping I can help someone else.)
I ended up getting pregnant at 16, and married to an abuser at 17. I stayed with him for 2 years even though he tried to kill me several times. I had my second child at 19. Drs told me literally to eat everything it didn't matter what, that I was not gaining enough weight. My baby was 7 pounds 11 ounces, but I had only gained 19 pounds my whole pregnancy. So I was 19 raising 2 little boys by myself. (more tomorrow)
So far today I am in the negative as far as calories go.
150 ( Starbucks doubleshot Energy Vanilla) (150 calories)
Wine Cooler +200
1/2 pint cabbage stew +150
Walked 45 minutes in the pasture, -200
Total Calories so far is 300 (more later)
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